Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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