Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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