Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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