my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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