i don't plan on having that self control this summer
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
