If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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