does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
