Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
