you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
