margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
