my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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