Plan B is the new Plan A
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
