I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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