We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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