I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
