If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
