If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
