I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
that is very illegal...i love you.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
