Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
