Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
