wrigley field is MILF paradise
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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