I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
