You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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