onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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