why didn't you poke me back
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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