she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So vagazzling was a success
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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