Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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