John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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