We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
