fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
