you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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