I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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