Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
