You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
