Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
