just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm always down for nudity.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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