No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
