Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
