1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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