No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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