if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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