My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
