the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
