Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
