I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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