Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
