i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
