i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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