So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
