I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Randomize
