The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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