I wish my penis had an off switch
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
