I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
