Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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