I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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