I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
