He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
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In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
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Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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