So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
